Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Truth and Lies of Telemarketers Act 4: The Hipster Cool Center

Call Center Legends

                A call center is by far, THE WORST environment on the face of this rotten earth.   Everything down to the core of it is a total perversion of anything that God created.  Its make up is so unnatural, and perhaps it’s the only place in the world where you are honored for telling a more outlandish lie than your neighbor.  There are 3 basic types of call centers, lets have a look.

The Hipster Cool center (The party call center)

Description: Perhaps the evilest of them all, the looks here are deceiving.  Its not even fair.  When you walk in, the first thing you see is an air hockey table.  You pause, and for a second, you ask your self if you accidentally walked into one of the local marijuana dispensaries.  After noticing that the air doesn’t reek of baked pot, your greeted by an incredibly young, bubbly, curvy and personable hot chick who’s name you never catch cause your to busy starting at her tits.  You notice that the employs are walking around freely, and acting and expressing themselves as if they were at school or home.  The computers are all brand new, the head sets are wireless, the secretary is hot, the schedule is flexible, your co workers are friendly and intact, and you could even call them “peers” for once since they are within 10 years of your age.  The products sold in these centers only marginally suck to talk about, and can  range from A) Dish network, local cable, or direct T.V. B)  You could be marketing  business to business  customized web sites or C) Such technology driven industry’s like customized push button applications for cell phones

Victims: This kind of call center seems to attract “normal” people.  An eclectic variety of college students, semi professional business people, divorcees, pot heads, etc.  The women that work here are relativelyattractive, and the guys don’t look like freaks.  If anything, the real victims are all the customers you call day in day out.  Since you work for a 3rd party marketing service, neither Jason cares what you say to the customers, which can be really fun at times.

Voice of southern inbred retard lady on the phone  with her southern draw or slack jaw yokel voice with very very poor English grammar: “You said the service was free a minute ago, and now ur sayin its 49.99 a month.  I should sue you for false advertisen.”

Me: “No mam, what I said was that the equipment is free, the installation is free, but the SERVICE costs on a monthly basis.”

Retard Lady: “No that’s not what you said.”

Me getting angry: ”Mam, don’t you agree that anything worth talking about costs SOMETHING?  You know as well as I do that give aways are throw aways?

Retard Lady: “The best things in life are free like water and Jesus”

Me not giving a fuck at this point: “I see your point mam, is that how your husband ended up with you?  You gave it up for free?”

Retard Lady: ”Yeah…….WAIT, WHAT?  FUCK Y…….”  CLICK, and I hang up the phone laughing.

Supervisors: The supervisors here are two guys named Jason and Jason, that’s all you know.  They are pretty normal for the most part, and are somewhere in their mid 20’s, or maybe mid 30’s.  You do know thatafter you hook Jason up with one of your ex girlfriends, he starts letting you get away with being late to work, low on quota, and your work computer has transformed into a video game console.These guys don’t really give a shit what you do as long as you bring money in and look productive enough to stay under the radar.  

Owners: Your not really sure who owns this place, let alone, what company you work for.

Payment: This place rocks.  Not only do you get paid every Friday, your supervisors have created a plethora of bonuses ranging from free food, to a 50 American Express card, to shots of tequila, and free deals that you don’t have to work for.  In addition, you’ve become quite chummy with everyone, and are always invited to get drunk on your lunch break or smoke bowls in the parking lot.  All you got to do is just show up. 

Outcome: Working for this company is very relaxing in comparison to other call centers.  It becomes a home away from home, and you enjoy your self for a time.  Sadly, one day while at work, the entire office is flooded with Sheriffs Department officials, and all the computers are confiscated.  Apparently, Jason and Jason were illegally running everyone’s credit with a pre paid American express gift card, known as a burn card.  You watch the man take Jason away in handcuffs, however, the other Jason took the week off to party in Tijuana, and so he is available to bail Jason out.  You all go home with out paychecks.

                Call centers are the worst place in the world to find yourself.  The products are always shady, the work is repetitive and boring as all hell, most of your colleges you would have absolutely nothing to do with if it weren’t for your office.  It is unnatural to say the same thing to people over, and over, and over again, and if you posses a fraction of a conscience, you will feel like shit knowing that you just convicted that senior citizen to ruin their credit and raise their mortgage rate, all for the sake of a transfer.  THE ONLY reason these jobs exist and I find my self working them is because you will be hired on the spot, with no experience, and an extensive criminal background.  They are always a financial stepping stone, so when I get fired or fuck em off, I don’t sweat it at all.  If you haven’t worked at a call center before, don’t bother wasting your time here, unless you wanted to test your threshold for pain, or you were curious what it felt like to be Jesus during his crucifixion.  As for me, I got to get going.  I have about 63 people on hold, and my supervisor is watching my type this on my laptop.  What he doesn’t know is that I’m walking out of here in about 15 minutes, and I plan to tell him to take this call center and shove it up his ass.  Later!!!!!!