Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Truth and Lies of Telemarketers Act 3: Telemarketing for Life

A call center is by far, THE WORST environment on the face of this rotten earth.   Everything down to the core of it is a total perversion of anything that God created.  Its make up is so unnatural, and perhaps it’s the only place in the world where you are honored for telling a more outlandish lie than your neighbor.  There are 3 basic types of call centers, lets have a look.

Telemarketing for Life (The Center for small time squaresuckers)
Description:  These call centers are typically run out of decrepit, decaying, decomposed buildings.  Their anomalous locations usually discourage people from applying in the first place, or, returning after the first day of work.  The equipment is outdated, rotary phones are still used, and the lead sources often come out of a phone book.  The products offered are usually a business to business referral platform and are either A) offering an SEO or Facebook business fan page optimization B) Some very crude and archaic (and pointless for that matter) form of advertising like having your business name mentioned on the radio(AM of course) or a commercial featuring your business (ON PUBLIC ACCESS of all places) or C) having your business mentioned in small print in the local penny saver or recycler, both of which are free magazines, and it goes without saying, that give a ways are throw aways, so get ready to throw away your hard earned cash for nothing, because the only practical function these types of magazines have are clothing the homeless in the wintertime.

 Victims:  Middle aged, mid life crises, 3rd month into his trial separation right before the divorce men with an over appreciation for football, immigrants from the middle east or India, old divorced women that have been smoking so long they sound like Darth Vader and look like a wrinkly foot.

Supervisors: Well there is that one ass hole on the floor that knows everything and repeats himself like 6 times.  He makes slightly more money then you, but he has the same official title as you.  When you tell him “go fuck yourself” he becomes very upset, his face turns red, and he has a look on his face that reminds you of being constipated and forcing out a turd.  You can ignore this and go about your day doing nothing until the resentment and humility builds up in him to the point where it consumes all of his psych and he tattles on you to……..the supervisor, who is also the owner.
Owner(s) This guy is a total douche bag, I mean wow, total considering Orange County YUPPIE.  He never make eye contact with you, instead looks at pictures of him or awards he’s won ( You know, pictures of him catching a fish with his son, or anyone of his several sales achievement awards, that he very well bought himself, for himself, to reward himself for completing rigorous sales objectives set forth by himself. 

Payment: This place gives you an honest check, but you get paid on the 15th or the 30th, unless one of those days falls on a weekend, then you have to wait an additional 2 days.  Your payment always arrives at 8pm, which is 4 hours after your shift ends, so you have the privilege of seeing your 2nd home twice that day and late at night too.  When you brag to your wife and your friends about this, they well be green with jealousy because of the fat check you’ll make, $745 a month baby. 

Outcome: Not much hope at this place for a guy like me.   It has nothing to do with my performance or anything like that; everyone there has a really weird and uptight attitude.  Its almost like talking to a bunch of Catholic school 3rd graders.  Don’t even talk about sex, drugs, or large liberal social gatherings or you will be shoot on sight.  I have never worked with a stranger bunch of virgins in my entire life, and EASILY HAD 839 jobs (this is not a negative character flaw, but rather, an illustration of my valiant, vivacious vanerius attempt to experience as many different things as possible before I die!!!)I like to think the latter half.  Eventually you’ll either get fired for smoking weed on one of your breaks,