For my fans around the world (TRANSLATIONS)

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I Have a Job...I'm a Bum!

I wish I had been born in 1910.  I wouldn't have had to fight in either World War and I could have spent my youth as a lovable transient waif during the 1930's depression. Now I know what it means when people say they were born in the wrong century.  Or time or whatever. The 1930's was the age of the bum, and oh what a glorious age it was!

So I'm not racist BUT I do notice that I am somewhat of a minority in my chosen profession as a white man who grew up in the suburbs and I wouldn't mind being in a time when my whiteness also wasn't so rare but also provided...more of a strategic advantage than it does now.

I also long for the simplicity and deep connections forged through relationships in the 1930's.  Now, it's extremely easy for me to get pussy but some of the most memorable sex I've ever had has been by giving something to someone to keep them and their kid from starving (book of food stamps).  That type of cooz would be everywhere.  Then there is breaking up.  The average break up occurs when there is only enough food for one, and the stronger person makes off with it in the night.  Prior to that a deep bond is forged through daily survival. Look at the strongest relationship you know and chances are its been tested...but these days you can go months and years before even a little test.  Bum relationships would be tested daily.

I would spend the winters warm, probably working on a single farm (fair work for fair wages) and have sex with the 14 year-old daughter (no statutory rape laws) and 35 year-old mother under the cuckolded father/husband's nose and eat food that just doesn't exist anymore. I'd save money for my eight months riding the rails, getting into trouble, and smooth talking my way out of quaint country lock-ups.

Finally I'd love living in a drug-free world. I'd still be a drunk and smoke like a chimney but I'd be drug free.  No smack, no E and no K.  No mental illness stigma. Then of course there is death, which would come on a day like any other and with some promptness without all of the pain and delays our medical technology and nanny state force on us. Being old and soft, I'd be left by whatever pregnant 15 year-old to die of whatever infection, alone and cold.

But here is where I cheat death AND karma.  All it would take is two pills.  Suicide pills disguised as mints.  One I would keep on my person and the other I'd make sure would be stolen by my last paramour.  I'd die with a smile on my face and she'd die right as some loving childless family takes her in and maybe, if I'm lucky, she'll realize what I did and regret leaving old Wylie in the woods to die like a dog hit by a car that slammed on the breaks and therefore didn't get the job done humanely.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I guess I'm Liberal

I like to think of myself as a political person.  I also like to think I don't have a drug and alcohol problem or that I've never been someone's bitch in prison. I thought of myself as a Libertarian figuring that was the cool, anti-establishment version of conservative or Republican like being a Green party member is the cool, anti-establishment version of being liberal or Democrat.  Turns out I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about and I shouldn't base my espoused political beliefs on hooking up with a chick at a Ron Paul rally back before when I had hair.

So, let's examine the source of my mistake, aka Ron Paul.  He's claims to be Libertarian and votes (when they matter) and caucuses with the Republicans as a member of their party.  He hates the President more than the average Republican which is saying something so I would think at the very least Libertarian =/= Liberal.

At this point I must confess that I do not know what "Libertarian" means and that I've only heard the word associated with the legalization of drugs.  But I live in a world where a junkie can afford a device that has the answers to all the world's questions. Wiki tells me that "libertarianism has become synonymous with classical liberalism."  What?! Let's see anti-war...that's liberal...legalize drugs...that's liberal...fiscally responsible...yes! that's conservative! Oh wait.  Facebook memes tell me that Obama has actually cut the deficit in half. Clinton didn't have one. FUCK! 

Then I go on to discover that Libertarians favor equal rights for gays, immigrants, blacks, etc.  As I've said in many posts FUCK the Aryan Brotherhood but this? Hmmmm, this is the sort of shit that gets one's ass kicked in prison.

So what the fuck is up with Ron Paul? Is he senile? Turns out Ron Paul is just a racist, lazy doctor who went into politics because he was got upset that people kiss your ass more if you're a politician than if you're a doctor and you work far fewer hours too. Like all politicians he uses the letter of a code to circumvent the spirit of it, hence voting AGAINST Civil Rights laws because hey they come from the government right? But even my half-baked brain knows that according to that logic you either vote against all laws on principle or better yet, don't participate in the very government you think shouldn't even exist in its current form.

Ugh, so I guess I'm liberal. Fuck me.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I Am Awake and Alive

"It's how I earn my living."

"It's my job."

"It's what I do."

Let's examine a couple of these statements. They're embedded deep in the psyches of many people, particularly Americans. It's how criminals (of whom I know many) look down upon vagrants (of whom I know many) from a moral standpoint. Because drug dealers and hit men have jobs, selling poison and killing people is how they earn a living.  It is what they do.HA HA ha ha ha ha! Seriously? You don't kill people or sell drugs because you like being (relatively) rich? It had nothing to do with the fact that your best friend/cousin/guy fucking your sister hooked you up? Come off it. Similarly, the above statements are all bullshit.

It's how you earn your living? Uh huh, so when you were standing on the other side of your mom's snatch your placenta gave you a tasking so you could come out into the alley behind an underfunded high school's prom? No? Yeah, that's what I thought. You don't earn a living. You don't even earn money as what you're paid is either dictated to you or negotiated beforehand. All you can earn really is the trust and respect of folks around you, and that's not correlated with life or cash flow 99% of the time.

It's my job.  Yup, that's why on any given Friday you can be called into an office (if you're lucky) and what's yours can be legally taken from you and given to someone else or cease to exist.  It's not your job. You at any given point are cultivating and nurturing relationships, one of which involves employment, which like a dating relationship can be terminated without notice by either party.

Keep reading assholes, I'm not finished

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Dead Lawyers Journal: A Cop is a Risk Averse Criminal

Hmmmm...I'm not rich yet.  My partner says this hasn't been picked up by a major publisher, so time to continue to beat you all over the head with shameful plugs.  But first, the URL:

As a vagrant, addict, and ex-con I was asked to write an essay about prison which was incorporated in the final letter the brother of the protagonist sends him after he may or may not have found out the protagonist is sleeping with his girlfriend of seven years. I rarely thank people, but to be honest my essay was a pile of unedited, hand-written trash and the writing team responsible for this made it readable without sacrificing the feel of the thing. So kudos to team Dred Martial.

There are a lot of myths about being arrested.  Everyone thinks you have Miranda rights, Constitutional Rights, the right to a lawyer, etc.  You think a cop's authority comes from something other than the glock at his side and the support of the brotherhood millions strong.  Well, none of that is true. There are good cops and bad cops just like there are good criminals and bad criminals. The ONLY difference between a cop and a criminal (and many are both) is that a cop IS MORE RISK AVERSE.  Go ahead.  Let that sink in.  I'll wait.

I am the rare white ex-con whose purpose in society is to hold the heavy cloak of "colorblindness" over this terrible system.  I am the White Indentured Servant of Jamestown.  I am the other side of the coin to black exceptionalism.  There must also be white underachieving.

I'm a hippie vagrant.  I loiter, do drugs, mouth off to cops, am drunk in public, fight with my girlfriends and get in bar fights...just like any college student, trust fund kid or politician. I have been to jail for things all of you do and take for granted, especially if you don't see flashing lights or a blue uniform.