Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Guest Post: Mike Triforce of Debtor's Prison

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Mike Triforce here. I'm  a friend of Wylie's here to drop some knowledge on you about life and other random shit. My blog is linked to this mofo, but I'll post it here anyway.


So first let me start out by saying I sold out. My goal from junior high on was to cynically manipulate the system in order to get paid for doing next to nothing to support a life of hedonism.  I do not contribute to society, I do not care about a cause, I am not about independence or fairness and most of all I am not an artist.

Of course I say I am an artist, I have a band and I act.  These endeavors are about two things: 1) winning the life lottery (see getting paid for doing next to nothing to support a life of hedonism) and 2) getting laid.  Money gets laid and art get's laid.  I like getting laid so I cover my bases.  I can't combine the two so I need a day job.

So what do I do for money? I am a lawyer. I hopped on the bandwagon before the bubble burst and I lied and cheated my way the bloodbath and remained one of the six-figure associates left standing. 

I take a lot of drugs. I take drugs because I enjoy being high, but mostly because women enjoy being high. I have been caught with drugs by police and nothing has come of it. The reason of course is that I have money and drug laws are for people that society has deemed undesirable. For people like me there is no prison, there is something called rehab.

My job consists of thinking of plausible tasks to bill large corporations for, corporations foolish enough to retain my firm as counsel when they get caught breaking laws they deem have a greater potential to inhibit profit than they do to incur monetary consequences in the form of fines and civil liability.  Sometimes I have to actually complete these tasks but usually they are fictions that rarely find themselves the subject of audit.

I spend money. The funny thing about money is that the more you have the more people give you. I make 260k a year and I live in a diplomat's house free of charge because charging rent would be rude.  I get comped when I go to bars because I look like a big spender. I get zero financing on my cars as incentives to get nicer ones. I write off the exhorbitant interest on my credit cards on my taxes  and get reimbursed for imagined on the job expenses.

So why do I write for debtor's prison? It started out as a favor for a down and out buddy of mine with whom they only thing we have in common is student loans.  Yes, I have loans. Sure, I pay them sometimes. But what if I don't? Are they going to repossess my credential? Notice how I didn't say education...all I learned in law school is that a girl who is a seven is an off-the-charts 10 in law school and that undergrad girls keep getting dumber.

Folks, I am here to tell you how the other half lives. I am here to tell you that it's not about hardwork and sacrifice.  It's about talent and making your own rules.  Every rule that exists has a single purpose and that purpose is to mitigate the effect of talent to provide some kind of safety net for those that got screwed by God, fate, the universe, chance or whatever it is that makes me prettier than you.

If I had to sum up my life I would say that I'm good looking.  I am just a very attractive man.  The most memorable thing about me is my looks.  Women want to have sex with me, men want to be me.  I will always look this good and for most of my life I will actually look better. I mean you can't even see me and yet you are reading this because I look that good. If I ever die this is what it will say on my tombstone "If only technology had been advanced enough to capture how pretty he was."