Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Truth and Lies of Telemarketers Act 2: The Boiler Room Operation

A call center is by far, THE WORST environment on the face of this rotten earth.   Everything down to the core of it is a total perversion of anything that God created.  Its make up is so unnatural, and perhaps it’s the only place in the world where you are honored for telling a more outlandish lie than your neighbor.  There are 3 basic types of call centers, lets have a look.

The Revolving door center aka (boiler room operation)

Description:  These types of call centers are notorious for either A) offering an overpriced service that is now obsolete B) Collecting money through endless 3rd party services, on the promise that your money is going to a good non tangible cause, or C) Providing you with a state of the art service, that is marked up 600%, and one that you could clearly die with out ever needing.

Victims:  The bulk of the population here is comprised of parolees and other convicted felons, single divorced moms, drug addled teenagers (and adults), social rejects with the gift of gab and the curse of body odor,  and random naivesuckers that are easily manipulated, believe everything they are told, have little imagination and even less common sense.
The dreaded supervisor

Supervisors: The supervisors here are usually hand picked from the original group hired on.  You don’t have to worry too much; part of the requirements to being a floor supervisor is to possess the i.q. of room temperature.  Over time, these supervisors become more and more malicious, until they have gone through a state of alien metamorphosis, and no longer resemble the co worker that once sat next to you.   Fear is the name of the game in this environment.  Nothing like having an angry little floor goblin marching around the room while randomly swinging a 9 iron at invisible enemies to promote a feeling of unity and peace amongst you and your fellow coworkers.

Owner(s)- Pure dirtbags.  Since there are 4 or 5 owners, and you know none of their names, you are unsure how to proceed with the law suit.  These owners spend the majority of their day locked up in their offices, high on coke, playing video games, and seduce the hot coworkers sitting around you by inviting them in for “Red Bulls” which is code for “I got blue balls”.  Since they pay the hotties $100, 2 paid days off, and of course, a free red bull, any game you intended to spit at the hottie sitting next to you will go unnoticed...due to the fact that the hottie is to busy spitting out all the joy juice your boss left in her mouth. 

Payment: You are paid once a week in cash.  The amount of money depends on how many transfers are successfully made.  In theory, every time you connect a customer to one of the sales reps and keep them on the line for no less then 30 seconds, you earn $10.  This can be achieved in a number of different ways.  A) You can talk really fast and bamboozle the customer.  B) You can flat out lie to the customer, and inform them that they have won something (won a free headache). C) You can be honest with the customer and plea to there inner human side, in the hopes that they will be easy and just “go along with it”, or you can D) threaten the customer with the very limited contact info provided, then start laughing at them when they threaten to sue you over the national do not call list, and politely transfer them to the sales rep for the allotted 30 seconds by swearing to them that you are indeed, transferring them to a supervisor who will remove their name from the contact list.  All in all, no matter how much time you spend collecting customer info, when payday arrives, you will be short changed no matter what.  And when you go to audit your paycheck, which is clearly 30% smaller then anticipated, your head boss calmly explains to you that those customers did not stay on the line for the required 30 seconds, or did not qualify, when in reality, your boss crosses off your employee id number, and puts his id number in your place.  When you ask to verify all this info, he side steps your question with a free energy drink.  What a swell guy.

Outcome:  All goes well for your first 6 months.  One day, your boss tells you that you have supervisor written all over you.  You show up to work that Friday (payday of course) to find the doors locked, and a handwritten note posted on the door stating “Computers are down, closed until further notice”.  When translated from Bullshit to English, the sign clearly states “Our computers were repossessed by our 4th partner after he was released from prison last week.   Your all fired”.  You calmly reflect on your past 6 months here, and with a sigh of relief, you say to your self “Well, I’m sure glad this was an under the table gig”.