Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Professional Panhandleing

Professional Panhandling

The art of Busking, Hustling, and Panhandling…
(A secure future for our American kids)

            It occurred to me once, while I was sitting in a gutter, picking my nose, somewhere in Oklahoma City, that I spend a great deal of time, feeling feelings.  Why the fuck not?  Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes sad, or angry.  Sometimes I feel a set of boobs, behind a single stalled bathroom, at taco bell!  Regardless I still “feel” all the time.  When times feel desperate, desolate, and draconian, despite my dashing and dapper, demeanor... I know that in my heart, when I feel truly fucked in life, its always when I feel...THAT I NEED SOME FUCKING MONEY!!!!

It happens to the best of us,and it happens to the worst of us.  It happens to those to cheap to spend an extra 20 cents, to upgrade your french-fries TWO sizes larger!!!  We either miss-balance our account, over calculate our earnings, or get to drunk at the bar on payday and blow all of our money on rounds and rounds…this is done in the hopes, that we will gain the respect of our peers, and woo an unfamiliar lady into bed, by getting her so fucked up, she can’t tell you’re a totally irresponsible, broke asshole (until its to late that is.)

We have felt the crestfallen cry of a cold coin-purse.  Perhaps we were driving back from Las Vegas, while on parole in California, with our punk rock band.  Navigating through life, with a BAC of .5, high on coke, and stranded at a gas station in the middle of the fucking desert, in a giant black van that looks like the Mystery Mobil got a makeover in the Rape Dungeon.  To make matters more of a challenge, we are simultaneously convincing the highway patrol officer, who is currently standing in front of us, that we are a group of Jehovah's Witness, on a cross country mission, and we are just stopping for gas.

It’s happened on our first day at work, when we couldn’t even afford a bus ticket to get to work, in the first place.  We are trying to act normal, then find our selves desperately asking people at a gas station, for much needed change.  That fact that we are wearing a suit and tie isn't weird at all, but the truth is, from time to time, we may be caught off guard and out of when the chips are down, fuck em and either steal em or just ask for them…this is done through (dundunDAAAAAA!)...busking, hustling, and panhandling.  Life's quintessential form of sales.

Sales is the art of persuading someone that they are in NEED of a service or product, but more specifically it’s the art of persuading someone that YOU FEEL THEY NEED THAT SERVICE OR PRODUCT!!!  A great sales man is just really selling himself...and having said that, whats the real difference between a “sale’s man” and a “street hooker”?  

A) With a street hooker you might get a chance to learn their real name

B) With a street hooker, you might smile at the end of the sale...feeling momentarily proud of yourself
C) With a street hooker, you would at least have an interesting topic of discussion, with your buddies at the clinic!

Sales have made the world go round.  Companies and organizations invest a myriad of resources to train their employs to excel at the art of bullshitting.  It's true, and regardless of the medium of communication, a well seasoned salesman has been trained to overcome all objections, and even utilizes rejections.  Molding them into outlandish rebuttals, that range from "You can take it with you when you die", to "You need to shut the fuck up and pay me motherfucker!!"  that just make the "buyer" say “Holy shit this guy ever gonna shut the fuck up?  I should just say o.k. because It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is about to be on, and I wanna smoke a blunt now!"

What a mind fuck.  Greenpeace taught me the art of canvassing and starting random conversations with random people, in the interest of achieving a clandestine goal, which was the numbers to their credit cards.  The donors were always left with a sweet taste in their mouth, so that they didn’t call the police, their husbands or wives, or the homies down the street.  In this essay I will explain, walk you through, and demonstrate the following forms of sales in the forms of




Stay tuned!!!!!