Monday, September 16, 2013

The Art of Hustleing

            The ancient tradition of hustling and scamming is a time honored craft, handed down from generation to generation.  As noble as the samurai, or as esoteric as the oracle, the hustler commands a unique and distinguishable character, that rivals that of the Dali Lama.  Truly a wonder of nature, the hustler is arguably as benevolent as the practice of religion itself!!!  It’s even been debated that this highborn craft, could indeed BE, the worlds oldest profession thus, making prostitution come in second place…which would make it first loser.

"Hustling" by definition, is essentially the fine art of sugar coating a rotten lie, and decorating it in such a way, that it becomes the catalyst to usurp some poor superficial, simpleminded sucker's retirement savings straight from his hands.

A good hustler can essentially get the "scammed" to do for the hustler, what ever the hell he wants him to do. 

This is achieved through a combination of tactics which include, but are NOT limited to...badgering, manipulating, and appealing to the suckers sense of passion and pity.  In the end, the scammed sucker walks away with a pious sense of well being and joy...feeling like he's done the right thing.  The hustler then walks off with cash, a new girlfriend, or a stolen car…laughing to himself the whole way home! 

Since the days of man sleeping in caves, hustling and scamming have  been practiced.  During the neanderthal period of history, there was NO DEODORANT, SOAP, OR RAZORS...consequently everyone pretty much looked, smelled, and tasted like a butt hole, before being wiped, and after consuming a family size KFC meal(complete with corn).

            Caveman Gonzo knew this, he also knew that his chances of procreation with Gonzo Cave woman were looking bleak, under these circumstances.  Caveman Gonzo needed a ruse of epic proportion.  Only the most outlandish lie would be enough to make him appear irresistible to her.  The wheels went spinning, but soon lost motion, and fell the fuck off.  How the fuck was he going to convince her to comeback into his cave anyway?

           Would he offer her crude drawings written on a limestone wall?  Perhaps a slab of raw beef?  Maybe moss and lichen would be the way to get into her pants?   The musky and ripe fragrance of her armpit, was becoming his heart, and moving blood around his penis.  So what did he do?  He simply pointed toward the sky and said "Someone wrote gullible on the ceiling" while simultaneously bludgeoning her over the head with his dino-bone, dragged her by the hair back into his cave, where he proceeded to bang her skanky stank!

            Upon resuscitation (and possibly ejaculation) of cavewoman, Gonzo caveman very bluntly stated "That I saved your god damn worthless life back out side and now you owe ME!!"

“Four different cavedude's snuck up on us, and one of them clubbed you over your head.  That's when two more showed up...but six to one are my kinda I kicked there asses.  I got this scar right here for you!!!”  Then Gonzo caveman points toward a scare on his cheek, the one he got from being to drunk 3 months ago...while he slipped over some rocks...

            In the end, Gonzo caveman hustle's up some cave-pussy.  The scammed cavewoman figures it out a few days later, but is now stuck with his cave-kid.  Now she has to do all the dishes around the cave, because her parents don’t want to see her ever again.

The hustle and scam may be applied to any facet in life, when one has fallen short to meet the requirements necessary to achieve the other words, if a hustler ain't got shit, he's gotta pull a "lick" and squeeze it out.

I was on probation with the same P.O. for six years.  By the end of those six years, I had figured out how to hustle the system, and skate by while violating my probation, and breaking the law everyday with OUT negative consequences.  I had called the laboratory that the probation department contracted with for drug tests, told them I was interested in starting a rehab, and was inquiring about what drugs would and WOULD'NT show up in my test, and how long it would take the drugs to flush out...I also very coyly read the fine print and memorized which box on the paperwork indicated what would be tested instead of heroin, I would use Fentanyl (which is not commonly tested for) etc, etc.

I would also present all of the necessary medical records to the probation department, and found doctors that would prescribe medications that would metabolize into similar street substances.  I even justified marijuana, by bringing in numerous records and notes stating that I have ADHD...since my insurance does not cover psychiatric care, marijuana was the only medicine available to me, to treat my condition.

If I was taking drugs that I could not legally explain...I'd simply call (blocking my phone number first, and I would always call on her lunch break so I didn't have to talk to her at all) and tell her that I had been waiting for one of my buses that just never showed up at all, and retest the following week (GO ME)

Here is a video clip of a hustle in action.  Norma, the drive through manager at Carl's Jr, is about to give me a discount on my food.  In the end, I say fuck the discount, and get the free food, under the pretense, that her store fucked my order up the night before.  The truth is, I had never eaten at that location in the first place...let's take a look shall we??

Was'nt that fun? Now lets look at the music video remix!!!

Sometimes we may not have the means, or knowledge to pull a quick one...if we just happen to be stranded somewhere, or have absolutely no money, and no props available to make any money...we may have to just do it the ole fashion way...good ole fashion Panhandleing