Friday, July 26, 2013

San Clemente (WE ARE PUNK ROCK!!!)

Happy Dirty 1st!!!

              I woke up this morning, on the eve of my "dirty first" birthday, on a roof top that over looked El Camino Real on one side, and the North Beach on the other.  I could see off into the distance, a vague memory of a hill top, lush with tomatoes, kegs of beer, and 20 year old hookers...vivid memories of where I had my 21st birthday, only ten years prior.

              The hill top today, has been torn up, and split up into a failed housing project...a multiple failure I might add.  The hilltop, which on one night, entertained 30 of friends and there friends, and housed a keg of Newcastle, and another keg of Sierra Nevada, stands tall with the skeletal remains of re-bar, copper wiring (which eventually got stolen by tweakers) and chucks of cinder block...resembling California's most cherished garbage can...Indio California, and the Sultan Sea.

              What brings me back to this isolated sea town?  The last, true, coastal blue collar town, in all of Southern CaliforniaSan Clemente is a bastion of liberalism, yet maintaining an elegant "Fuck You" attitude leaning a little toward the right; San Clemente is a true punk rock jewel in California.  It's here, where I have had many strange and random experience's that seem to feed my lust for life and for this little surf town. 

              Just the other week as an example, I was arrested at the Ralph’s on El Camino Real.  I was drinking a handle of Bacardi 151 with about 5 other "residentialy challenged" transients.  The sheriff’s department showed up, and asked us to leave.  So we did...and I made it across the street with a psychotic transient (we shall call "Fuck Stick the 3rd") and his ugly girlfriend, who looked like a bull-dog (we shall call her "Man Kind").

Who did'nt get arrested here!!!

              Sooooooo...truth be told (and I don't want to, but HAVE to, in order for this story to make sense) I was really, really, really drunk one night, and did a fat line of meth, and fucked Man Kind, Fuck Stick's girlfriend (that he loved so much, he killed a man with an ice pick and severed 7 years in prison over, because she was watching porn with some other dude) in the shower at the state park.  When Fuck Stick the 3rd got out of prison, he found out that not only was his girl fucking everyone, she had a nasty crush on me.
             Since I didn’t care, and was freely offering the rights to Man Kind's "tainted tropical treasure" up to ANY of my friends {no takers :(...} Fuck Stick became angry with me.  One night, we were all hanging out at North Beach (myself, three other parolees, Man Kind, and a 21 year old drunk); Fuck Stick came walking up the hill right when Man Kind was offering 4/5 of us present, a blow job.  Fuck Stick became upset and my home boy hit him in the face.  A fight broke out, four of them were arrested, and I went to the bar, met a hot chick, got taken back, and ate homemade tacos, and homemade bearded oyster.  A much better end for me.

             Sooooooo...back to the day I was arrested...I was sitting across the street now consuming sushi.  I must have made a snide comment to Fuck Stick, but for what ever reason, he chose to tackle me, right in front of a cop.  Since I was too drunk to figure out a door knob, I just fell asleep.  Why not?  These stupid pig fuckers are about to spray me down with OC gas and shoot me with a tazzer anyway…so after I was done shitting my pants (high levels of electricity tend to distract the mind from controlling itself) I tried to blame the tazzer for a “heart murmur”, thinking I could go to the hospital in lieu of jail, but they just cuffed me in the hospital, and I got a two for one special instead.

            I woke up in the dreaded "loop"...24 hours of booking.  I was wearing no shoes, no shirt, and my pants kept sagging (it was the 2nd time this jail scenario has occurred, don't get arrested at home).  Fuck Stick was right next to me, and we eventually we both got CIR (cited and released).  On the way out of jail, I got to say hi to a few friends I hadn’t seen in a bit, so it was alright.  I found out later that the real reason we all got arrested was because we were drinking in front of 50 some odd grocery shoppers, at 151pm, on a Wednesday afternoon, making obscene gestures, and speaking of vulgar and lewd subjects, plus, public fighting.  (PUNK ROCK!!!!)

           Another time, years ago, when I rented a house on Canada St (pronounced Con-ya-da) I rented a room out to a tweaker.  The tweaker eventually moved his entire family in, one of the local gangs, and the Aryan nation.  One night, we got drunk, and went skinny dipping at the pier with two road girls.  It was red tide, so swimming in waves would make us glow!!!!  FUCK YEAH!!!
            "Hey Rachel!!! You ever seen a glowing boner before?" I yelled.

            "Noooo, I wanna see!!" Rachel replied...or maybe Rachel said "Go fuck yourself Wylie!"

             Either way, when the cops showed up, and we were all hammered, semi naked, and half of us were on probation...we all simply lied about our names.  The cop asked us about our last friend, who was swimming in the glowing waves, waiting for the cops to leave...Deputy Dumbfuck asked

            "What about your friend out there in the ocean, he could get hurt!"  I responded
            "Ohhhh, my homie Rolla-dex...he'll be fine, don't worry about him!" 

            We all then went back to my house, and filmed a porno with a red headed chick named Sahara...I then proceeded to show the crude work of art, to all my friends in my jazz performance class, the next day at college.  I some how managed to talk my friends into donating money toward the charitable cause of picking up the slut while simultaneously convincing her to pay me money to let my two friends fuck her...but the true debtor in this story is Taco Loco of Laguna Beach, who never paid me any royalites for using their shirt...(PUNK ROCK!!!)

           Or the time we all went to a wedding, got shit faced drunk, then decided to go to Mexico for an after party...